How do children cope with their feelings?

If you are supporting children after a death, it is important to remember that children grieve too. They often express their grief through their behaviour. They may become quieter, or more easily tearful or angry in everyday situations. They may have physical symptoms, for example a sore tummy.

When someone dies, children usually realise something is wrong. They need help to understand what has happened and to express their feelings. Here are some thoughts that you may find helpful.

• It’s important to be honest with children – you should tell them the person has died, and explain what this means using words they understand. Help children understand that death is natural: all living things die, accidents happen, and illness and old age are all part of the life cycle of people and animals.
• Children may feel hurt or angry that the person has gone, or may feel it happened because of something they said or did. It is important to allow children to express these feelings, and to reassure them that they are not to blame.
• Children will move in and out of their grief – sad and tearful one moment, and maybe playing the next. It is important to recognise this is normal and to try and support them.
• After the death of someone close children will worry that they, or others close to them, could die too. Again it is important to be honest with children: everybody dies some time, but most people live a long time.
• Adults often worry about letting children see the person who has died or attend the funeral. Every child is different, but if they are going to be present you can help them prepare by explaining what will happen. A funeral director may be able to help you with this. Younger children might like to draw or write something to be placed with or in the coffin. You could ask older children for ideas for the funeral, for example a special piece of music, or a favourite memory to share with other people.
• You should try to keep children to their routine – this will help them feel more secure.
• You could look through photos with them and share stories about special times: sharing memories can help all the family feel stronger. 

Page last edited: 23 June 2011